Last week Lent began, and we celebrated (ish?) Valentine's Day. On the same day. It was a lot. And as we entered the season of Lent, marked by ashes and introspection, today's reflection feels particularly poignant. On Ash Wednesday we acknowledge our humanity, marked by dust and imperfection, we also embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, we explore two powerful tools in this quest: self-compassion and the often-dreaded practice of seeking feedback.

From "Self-Awareness Gap" to Growth Opportunity:

The phrase "self-awareness gap" might elicit chuckles (it makes me giggle every time), but it holds something deeper for us: We each carry blind spots, areas where our self-perception and how we impact others diverge. I have my own "gaps” and believe me, I'm actively working to bridge them. 

And I want to share two tools that help me: Self-Compassion and Seeking Feedback. 

But first, a bit about the duality of Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day. 

Ash Wednesday's Guiding Light and Valentine’s Day’s forgotten message

The ashes we sometimes receive today remind us of our mortality, our limitations. But remember, this is not an ending, but a beginning. Just as ashes nourish the soil for new life, our introspection becomes fertile ground for self-compassion and growth.

Further, we celebrate St Valentine today (mostly with candy) who lived to remind us that God is love. As some have said, the christian story is that the truest thing about you is that you are loved. 

So we will honor Valentine’s day by embracing that we are loved through the tool of self-compassion, and we will honor Ash Wednesday by embracing that we are flawed and limed through the practice of seeking and honoring feedback. 

Self-Compassion: The Grounding Force

Before venturing into the sometimes-scary territory of feedback, let's cultivate self-compassion. Remember, the journey towards self-awareness is not about self-flagellation, but about understanding ourselves with kindness and grace. Embrace your "gap" as a space for growth, not shame.

It might be helpful to look back at the story frame that my faith provides me.

My faith tells me that I am loved. In fact, it tells me that being loved is the truest thing about me.

Within that story frame, here is a tool that works well for me. These three steps are adapted from the work of Phil Stutz in his book The Tools. 

Step 1: Identify parts of me that are reactive, and about which I likely have shame. For me, these are: 

• The part of me that can reactive to my wife 
• The part of me that feels lonely often 
• The part of me that has trouble focusing on boring but important tasks 

Each of those can take over and dominate my actions and words. And when they take over I feel regret and shame at what transpires. Everyone has those. 

Step 2: Associate each of those with an actual image of yourself. 

• For the part of me that can be reactive to my wife, I imagine myself as a 27 year old, fumbling through graduate school and the first year of marriage. 
• For the part of me that feels lonely, I imagine myself as a 4 year old (here’s a pic 😂) right after my sister was born. I remember playing in my room by myself a lot at that phase. 
• For the part of me that can feel overwhelmed at tasks, I imagine myself in the 3rd Grade sitting at the dinner table until after my parents went to be refusing to do my math homework. 

Each of these is a true image of an actual, history version of me. After some soul searching and introspection, I’ve come to associate things I have a blind spot around or am in denial of with these images. 

Here’s the magic. 

Step 3. Imagine a specific environment that those versions of yourself existed in, and imagine your adult self and Jesus standing alongside them. 

Notice how Jesus feels towards them? Notice how current you feels towards them? When I notice any judgement towards those older, messier versions of yourself, I remember that Jesus was present there with that older version of me, and he loved me then, fully, and as that version. Ask Jesus to teach you a kind story about yourself.

• Reactive Me: You felt scared and adjusting to major life changes, but you can trust Jesus to help you. 
• Lonely Me: You felt alone and a sense of loss, being a raging extrovert child stuck at home whose mom had a new born. Jesus promises to never leave you alone. 
• Distracted Me: Its natural to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and Jesus has offered to share his 'yoke' with us - an image of working alongside him. He offers us a partnership as we face anything in our lives.

Seeking Feedback: Embracing the Ashes

Two deep connections exist between Ash Wednesday and seeking feedback. Ash Wednesday is about our mistakes and our mortality, and it begins a journey towards Easter where Jesus’ resurrection heal both. 

When we consider feedback in light of our mistakes we notice how truly in need of correction we are. 

When we consider feedback in light of our mortality we are inspired to live our live in an optimal way - they are short and sacred. 

When we consider feedback in light of both we learn that our best lives are on the other side of hard feedback, where we’ve corrected our mistakes and made the most of our short lives. 

Feedback is important. 

But you don’t need me to tell you how to work the tool for feedback. Its simple. 

Ask for it. 

Just as ashes fertilize the earth, feedback can nourish our self-awareness. Remember, true friends and mentors offer insights not to hurt, but to help us become our best selves. Approach feedback with an open heart and a willingness to learn, even if it stings. So just ask. 

But there are two clicks deeper in honoring feedback that I think are hugely important. 

Honoring the haters: 

Sometimes they do mean to hurt you, not a lot, but certainly a tiny, unconscious bit. Or sometimes they are down right critical. Take that opportunity to grow too. This is the chance to grow in honoring feedback, and it’s hugely empowering. Black feminist Joan Morgan writes about this in her book, When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost. She argues that we should be able to say some of the worst things about ourselves and know that we are still loved. It saps the power from the haters, and reframes the worst of our selves into the context of someone who is loved and strong. 

So when I face feedback and/or critics, I simply ask Jesus for his strength and the wisdom to know how to honor hard feedback. 

Knowing which feedback to honor:

Once you’ve carefully considered the feedback, it’s also ok to say ‘I don’t think that’s for me’. If we reject feedback from a place of defensive reaction we’ve missed a chance to grow. If we carefully consider it from an open and non-reactive perspective, and then decide that it’s not helpful, that’s simply curating who gets influence in your life. The key is to honestly consider it first. 

There is one crucial caveat here: There is a line that can be crossed into masochism, and it takes real wisdom to know when to say ‘I’ve carefully considered this feedback, and I am not taking it.’ It’s too easy to ignore hard feedback. So we must try our very best to honor it first. 

Two Tools, One Powerful Journey:

This Ash Wednesday/Valentine’s Day, let us use self-compassion and feedback as tools to bridge our "self-awareness gap." Remember, we are not alone on this journey. Together, let us walk towards wholeness, guided by the light of faith and the spirit of community.

Stay tuned for next week's post, where we'll delve deeper into the concept of "self-awareness" and explore research-based ways self-awareness is really, really good for you. 

Remember, as we walk this path together, we support and encourage each other. Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

May the spirit of self-discovery guide us this Lenten season.