Self-Awareness is a super-power. 

In an oft quoted HBR article, Dr. Tasha Eurich sums it all up: “Research suggests that when we see ourselves clearly, we are more confident and more creative. We make sounder decisions, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively. We’re less likely to lie, cheat, and steal. We are better workers who get more promotions. And we’re more effective leaders with more satisfied employees and more profitable companies.”

And in my journey through leadership, community, spirituality, marriage, and friendship, I’ve found two things to be true: 1) Self-awareness is essential 2) I am not as self-aware as I need to be. 

My friend Andrew recently deployed a diplomatic and kind phrase - that someone he knew had a ‘self-awareness gap’. Which is a hilarious phrase the more I think about it. It depicts self-awareness as a skill in which you and I can grow, and the ‘gap’ as closable with work and commitment, but it also sounds like Andrew’s friend might not be that fun to be around. 

But before I could even stop giggling at that phrase a simple reality occurred to me: I might be that friend to some people, or even to Andrew, and at least I am sure I have a ‘self-awareness gap’ of one kind or another. 

So I am here to identify as someone with this ‘gap’ and to share a bit about how I’m tackling it. 

This is an Ultimate Guide in that it’s packed with everything you might need to take a HUGE step in self-awareness today, but its partial in that I don’t know everything about self-awareness, and your journey will be inherently different than mine. You have different wounds and aspirations. But I offer this as one small step towards becoming your best, healed, whole self. That’s part of the spirit and impetus of Dwell Church, but more its a desperate need that I personally have to experience healing and offer my best self to the world. 

Here are the bits in this post: 

1. Living in the ‘gap’ - my experience of and need for self-awareness (Part 1)
2. A Useful definition of Self-Awareness (Part 2)
3. Helpful Spirituality of Self-Awareness (Part 2)
4. Frameworks, Tools, and Tips (Part 3)
5. Researched based Benefits of Self-Awareness (Part 4)

And along the way I’ll offer a few really helpful resources. 

But first, two painful stories that I offer with bowed head and open heart: 

I remember my first attempt at self-awareness quite clearly. I remember the sharp pain but also the strange warmth and acceptance I received. I was 17 years old and shared with a dear friend: 

Me: I have a confession. It’s really hard to say. I want people to think I am smarter than I actually am. 

My friend: I already know that about you. Everyone knows that about you. But we still love you. 

Ha!

Brutal. Beautiful. Human. 

And I had several cascading insights after this meaningful exchange. First, self-deception is a game only you are playing. For the most part, everyone else can already see what you think you are hiding. Second, I embraced this philosophy of alignment: Is the me I see the me others see? It was a good first step in self-awareness. Finally, people really tend to honor that you are humbly trying, even if things are clear as day to them. 

My second step was equally painful/fruitful. I was finishing graduate school in the early days of Google Forms. 

So I put together a Google Form I called a ‘Life Inventory’ asking close friends about my strengths, weaknesses, areas of growth, and general feedback. All anonymous. 

One close friend (never identified to this day) commented that “Matt wants to be a pastor for all the wrong reasons. He is primarily in this for the attention”. 

Ouch. Brutal, and less beautiful this time. 

I was crushed that a close friend thought of me in this way. 

I subsequently enjoined a painful season of prayerful consideration: Why had I chosen this path? 

Three things happened as I prayed through this: 1) I found that Jesus was with me, teaching me, even in the middle of something so painful. 2) With God’s help, I took a look at where and when I enjoyed attention. It was a first hard look at the part of me that does in fact like attention, And although I don’t find that to be a primary motivation in my work, it is a complicating factor in many things. 3) I received an expected slew of invitations to preform weddings, preach, and job interviews. I took those to be a merciful and needed wink from Jesus, that he called me into ministry (knowing my flaws) and he wouldn’t revoke my calling, at least not over this. 

I also learned that seeking feedback is worth it. Even if that bit of feedback wasn’t fully totally true, it still helped me, not least because I had to lean into my faith in a painful season. 

So what follows is born out of both a need to grow in self-awareness, and a few hard-won steps taken on a meaningful journey. 

And in our next post we'll consider what exactly we mean by 'self-awareness' and how I find my own faith to be a stellar platform for growing more self-aware.