Dwell Church of the Peninsula Blog

An Ultimate (but partial!) Guide to Self-Awareness (Part 3)

Mon, 19 Feb 2024 20:48:11 GMT

This is where it gets good.

Last week Lent began, and we celebrated (ish?) Valentine's Day. On the same day. It was a lot. And as we entered the season of Lent, marked by ashes and introspection, today's reflection feels particularly poignant. On Ash Wednesday we acknowledge our humanity, marked by dust and imperfection, we also embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, we explore two powerful tools in this quest: self-compassion and the often-dreaded practice of seeking feedback.

From "Self-Awareness Gap" to Growth Opportunity:

The phrase "self-awareness gap" might elicit chuckles (it makes me giggle every time), but it holds something deeper for us: We each carry blind spots, areas where our self-perception and how we impact others diverge. I have my own "gaps” and believe me, I'm actively working to bridge them.

And I want to share two tools that help me: Self-Compassion and Seeking Feedback.

But first, a bit about the duality of Ash Wednesday and Valentine’s Day.

Ash Wednesday's Guiding Light and Valentine’s Day’s forgotten message

The ashes we sometimes receive today remind us of our mortality, our limitations. But remember, this is not an ending, but a beginning. Just as ashes nourish the soil for new life, our introspection becomes fertile ground for self-compassion and growth.

Further, we celebrate St Valentine today (mostly with candy) who lived to remind us that God is love. As some have said, the christian story is that the truest thing about you is that you are loved.

So we will honor Valentine’s day by embracing that we are loved through the tool of self-compassion, and we will honor Ash Wednesday by embracing that we are flawed and limed through the practice of seeking and honoring feedback.

Self-Compassion: The Grounding Force

Before venturing into the sometimes-scary territory of feedback, let's cultivate self-compassion. Remember, the journey towards self-awareness is not about self-flagellation, but about understanding ourselves with kindness and grace. Embrace your "gap" as a space for growth, not shame.

It might be helpful to look back at the story frame that my faith provides me.

My faith tells me that I am loved. In fact, it tells me that being loved is the truest thing about me.

Within that story frame, here is a tool that works well for me. These three steps are adapted from the work of Phil Stutz in his book The Tools.

Step 1: Identify parts of me that are reactive, and about which I likely have shame. For me, these are:

The part of me that can reactive to my wife
The part of me that feels lonely often
The part of me that has trouble focusing on boring but important tasks

Each of those can take over and dominate my actions and words. And when they take over I feel regret and shame at what transpires. Everyone has those.

Step 2: Associate each of those with an actual image of yourself.

For the part of me that can be reactive to my wife, I imagine myself as a 27 year old, fumbling through graduate school and the first year of marriage.
For the part of me that feels lonely, I imagine myself as a 4 year old (here’s a pic ��) right after my sister was born. I remember playing in my room by myself a lot at that phase.
For the part of me that can feel overwhelmed at tasks, I imagine myself in the 3rd Grade sitting at the dinner table until after my parents went to be refusing to do my math homework.

Each of these is a true image of an actual, history version of me. After some soul searching and introspection, I’ve come to associate things I have a blind spot around or am in denial of with these images.

Here’s the magic.

Step 3. Imagine a specific environment that those versions of yourself existed in, and imagine your adult self and Jesus standing alongside them .

Notice how Jesus feels towards them? Notice how current you feels towards them? When I notice any judgement towards those older, messier versions of yourself, I remember that Jesus was present there with that older version of me, and he loved me then, fully, and as that version. Ask Jesus to teach you a kind story about yourself.

Reactive Me: You felt scared and adjusting to major life changes, but you can trust Jesus to help you.
Lonely Me: You felt alone and a sense of loss, being a raging extrovert child stuck at home whose mom had a new born. Jesus promises to never leave you alone.
Distracted Me: Its natural to feel overwhelmed sometimes, and Jesus has offered to share his 'yoke' with us - an image of working alongside him. He offers us a partnership as we face anything in our lives.

Seeking Feedback: Embracing the Ashes

Two deep connections exist between Ash Wednesday and seeking feedback. Ash Wednesday is about our mistakes and our mortality, and it begins a journey towards Easter where Jesus’ resurrection heal both.

When we consider feedback in light of our mistakes we notice how truly in need of correction we are.

When we consider feedback in light of our mortality we are inspired to live our live in an optimal way - they are short and sacred.

When we consider feedback in light of both we learn that our best lives are on the other side of hard feedback, where we’ve corrected our mistakes and made the most of our short lives.

Feedback is important.

But you don’t need me to tell you how to work the tool for feedback. Its simple.

Ask for it.

Just as ashes fertilize the earth, feedback can nourish our self-awareness. Remember, true friends and mentors offer insights not to hurt, but to help us become our best selves. Approach feedback with an open heart and a willingness to learn, even if it stings. So just ask.

But there are two clicks deeper in honoring feedback that I think are hugely important.

Honoring the haters:

Sometimes they do mean to hurt you, not a lot, but certainly a tiny, unconscious bit. Or sometimes they are down right critical. Take that opportunity to grow too. This is the chance to grow in honoring feedback, and it’s hugely empowering. Black feminist Joan Morgan writes about this in her book, When Chickenheads Come Home to Roost. She argues that we should be able to say some of the worst things about ourselves and know that we are still loved. It saps the power from the haters, and reframes the worst of our selves into the context of someone who is loved and strong.

So when I face feedback and/or critics, I simply ask Jesus for his strength and the wisdom to know how to honor hard feedback.

Knowing which feedback to honor:

Once you’ve carefully considered the feedback, it’s also ok to say ‘I don’t think that’s for me’. If we reject feedback from a place of defensive reaction we’ve missed a chance to grow. If we carefully consider it from an open and non-reactive perspective, and then decide that it’s not helpful, that’s simply curating who gets influence in your life. The key is to honestly consider it first.

There is one crucial caveat here: There is a line that can be crossed into masochism, and it takes real wisdom to know when to say ‘I’ve carefully considered this feedback, and I am not taking it.’ It’s too easy to ignore hard feedback. So we must try our very best to honor it first.

Two Tools, One Powerful Journey:

This Ash Wednesday/Valentine’s Day, let us use self-compassion and feedback as tools to bridge our "self-awareness gap." Remember, we are not alone on this journey. Together, let us walk towards wholeness, guided by the light of faith and the spirit of community.

Stay tuned for next week's post, where we'll delve deeper into the concept of "self-awareness" and explore research-based ways self-awareness is really, really good for you.

Remember, as we walk this path together, we support and encourage each other. Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

May the spirit of self-discovery guide us this Lenten season.

An Ultimate (but partial!) Guide to Self-Awareness (Part 2)

Wed, 31 Jan 2024 19:55:19 GMT

A few bits on a helpful definition of self-awareness, and how I experience my faith as a terrific platform to develop an accurate self-perception.

Last time we looked at the ‘self-awareness’ gap that many of us struggle with.

I personally am at least aware that I need to grow in self-awareness, and that TONS of research associates positive outcomes for family, work, friendship, and marriage with increased self-awareness.

On my journey ( detailed, in funny but painful ways, here) I’ve found it really helpful to distinguish two kinds of self-awareness, that are related but different enough so as to require different skills.

Further along in this post, I’ll share what I believe to be a secret weapon in developing self-awareness: my faith.

Jesus loves me with a profound faithfulness that can only be described as ‘covenantal’. This God has said to his people: 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' And 'I am with you always.'

This kind of love gives me the strength to acknowledge all kinds of hard truths about myself. I am loved, therefore I can withstand scrutiny.

So I’ll close Self-Awareness Part 2 with an outline of the story my faith tells me, and attempt to demonstrate this story about God’s love for each of us to be a fantastic platform for self-awareness.

Here we go!

Definition(s):

I think it’s insightful to consider what precisely self-awareness is before we try to pursue it.

There are two kinds (Here’s my fave HBR article offering research on the topic broadly, and drawing out this distinction) .

The first kind of self-awareness is an awareness of what is within me: my thoughts, motivations, reactions and emotional states. Do we understand what we feel/think/believe and why? I think this already offers some insight into why we resist self-awareness - it is a ton of work to gain insight into ourselves. I need help on my inward journey.

The second kind of self-awareness is an awareness of how I am perceived and how I impact others. This too is insightful into our resistance: we fear that if people really see us, they will leave us. We are concerned that the truth about ourselves will leave us alone and rejected, so we play the game, ignoring/hiding our flaws in hopes that others will too.

Theology and Spirituality:

‘ And now, with God’s help, I shall become myself’ - Soren Kierkegaard

In my journey of growing into self-awareness I have found that a strong spiritual framework is essential to ongoing improvements in self-perception. Here is what you might call a helpful biblical understanding of self-awareness:

Proclivity for self-deception: the Bible is quite insistent that self-deception is both a human proclivity and dangerous. The Apostle Paul confessed a deep incongruity between his internal life and external actions - and remarked that it was Jesus who was leading him out of the ‘gap’ he found himself in. Jesus too remarked on those who ‘honored him with their lips, but whose hearts are far from him.’ The Prophet Jeremiah averred that the human heart was sick, and what meant was that it was deceptive.
A God who searches hearts: Into this world where humans struggle to be aware of what is within them and how it impacts others comes a God who knows our hearts, good and evil. God consistently reminds decision makers and influencers that God knows their hearts and motivations (Luke 16, 1 Sam 6). This is a good thing too, as some (Jesus’ mother, Mary) find favor with God.
A God who loves: A remarkable thing about a God who knows ALL of our secrets is that he is quite insistent that he truly loves us, just as we are. Deeply loved. Love is not just one of God’s defining traits. God is love. Powerful, personal, sacrificial. God loving me, deeply and truly, gives me courage to confess what is really in my heart - the God Who Loves will still love me, whatever comes out.
A God who helps: I need God’s help to accurately identify my specific flaws. Another reason we avoid self-awareness is that it can be despair-inducing to truly face our problems. We can feel hopeless as we look upon our flaws in the light of day, feeling like we might never change, or worse - we might ultimately be consumed by these flaws. Much better, we reason, to keep them in the shadows where they aren’t so overwhelming. And here were are again comforted and encouraged by the promises of this good God who knew our flaws and loves us anyhow: he has also promised - promised! - to both never leave us, and to complete the work he has begun in us. And believe me, brothers and sisters, if you are peeking into your self and starting your self-awareness journey God has begun to work in you! Further, not only does God promise to help transform me as I become aware of, and then offer my flaws to him, he is the one who empowers us to self-reflect in the first place. Romans 12 speaks of the ‘renewing of our mind… so that we know God’s will.’ God’s will is for us to thrive, and to bless others, and he is helping me to identify places where I am not loving others, and therefore not doing what he asks of me. I need God’s help to identify those places.
A God who heals: You can’t heal what you don’t feel. What we gain when we admit how we feel and perceive rightly how we impact others is that we can then offer those things to God. All of christian tradition and scripture bears witness: Jesus is a healing God, a heart-changer, a redemption-bringer, ushering in new creation into the cosmos, but also my very being. I can be radically honest about my flaws, because I can in turn hand them over to someone with resurrection power.
A God who partners: And now with God’s help, I shall become myself. There is a partnership between humans and God at the heart of the creation story. In Genesis chapters 1-3 God creates the world, but empowers humans to care for creation. We could marvel at the power-sharing God, so unlike grasping humans, offering to share his creative power with humans (and all creation! The sun and moon are empowered to govern the skies!). But that’s a (marvelous) rabbit hole. Instead, we take God’s power-sharing as a paradigmatic invitation to partnership. In tending the Garden of your Life, God is inviting you to a partnership. It is dignifying to pull the weeds in your garden, because it is stepping into this partnership with God. When I take a hard look in the mirror, I am not beating myself up, or even just becoming more effective in work or family contexts. Instead, I am doing something sacred - taking God’s hand in partnership for the renewal and ongoing creation of myself, and ultimately of the whole world.

There is a certain story that followers of Jesus believe: that creation is good (me included) but that I am bogged down and separated from God. He comes to me because he loves me, and teaches me a better way. I am fundamentally a student. This broader story is a marvelous way to see the world. In all circumstances, I am a student with a guide.

So in short, I can grow in self-awareness because my faith aids me in doing so. I believe that I am loved, so I can take a long, loving, look at parts of me I’d rather pretend didn’t exist.

This framework avails to me powerful but simple prayer. When I discover something unhealthy or unlikable within me, I can simply say: I offer this to you Jesus.

Overall, I find this to be a great and helpful framework for developing self-awareness. I'm curious what fuels your quest?

Next time we will take a look at tools and questions designed to help us take meaningful step in self-awareness. They are helpful but oh boy.

Buckle up and stay tuned!

An Ultimate (but partial!) Guide to Self-Awareness (Part 1)

Wed, 24 Jan 2024 19:41:34 GMT

A few bits on self-awareness, in which I share some humiliating stories about myself.

Self-Awareness is a super-power.

In an oft quoted HBR article , Dr. Tasha Eurich sums it all up: “Research suggests that when we see ourselves clearly, we are more confident and more creative. We make sounder decisions, build stronger relationships, and communicate more effectively. We’re less likely to lie, cheat, and steal. We are better workers who get more promotions. And we’re more effective leaders with more satisfied employees and more profitable companies.”

And in my journey through leadership, community, spirituality, marriage, and friendship, I’ve found two things to be true: 1) Self-awareness is essential 2) I am not as self-aware as I need to be.

My friend Andrew recently deployed a diplomatic and kind phrase - that someone he knew had a ‘ self-awareness gap ’. Which is a hilarious phrase the more I think about it. It depicts self-awareness as a skill in which you and I can grow, and the ‘gap’ as closable with work and commitment, but it also sounds like Andrew’s friend might not be that fun to be around.

But before I could even stop giggling at that phrase a simple reality occurred to me: I might be that friend to some people, or even to Andrew, and at least I am sure I have a ‘self-awareness gap’ of one kind or another.

So I am here to identify as someone with this ‘gap’ and to share a bit about how I’m tackling it.

This is an Ultimate Guide in that it’s packed with everything you might need to take a HUGE step in self-awareness today, but its partial in that I don’t know everything about self-awareness, and your journey will be inherently different than mine. You have different wounds and aspirations. But I offer this as one small step towards becoming your best, healed, whole self. That’s part of the spirit and impetus of Dwell Church , but more its a desperate need that I personally have to experience healing and offer my best self to the world.

Here are the bits in this post:

Living in the ‘gap’ - my experience of and need for self-awareness (Part 1)
A Useful definition of Self-Awareness (Part 2)
Helpful Spirituality of Self-Awareness (Part 2)
Frameworks, Tools, and Tips (Part 3)
Researched based Benefits of Self-Awareness (Part 4)

And along the way I’ll offer a few really helpful resources.

But first, two painful stories that I offer with bowed head and open heart:

I remember my first attempt at self-awareness quite clearly. I remember the sharp pain but also the strange warmth and acceptance I received. I was 17 years old and shared with a dear friend:

Me: I have a confession. It’s really hard to say. I want people to think I am smarter than I actually am.

My friend: I already know that about you. Everyone knows that about you. But we still love you.

Ha!

Brutal. Beautiful. Human.

And I had several cascading insights after this meaningful exchange. First, self-deception is a game only you are playing. For the most part, everyone else can already see what you think you are hiding. Second, I embraced this philosophy of alignment: Is the me I see the me others see? It was a good first step in self-awareness. Finally, people really tend to honor that you are humbly trying, even if things are clear as day to them.

My second step was equally painful/fruitful. I was finishing graduate school in the early days of Google Forms.

So I put together a Google Form I called a ‘Life Inventory’ asking close friends about my strengths, weaknesses, areas of growth, and general feedback. All anonymous.

One close friend (never identified to this day) commented that “Matt wants to be a pastor for all the wrong reasons. He is primarily in this for the attention”.

Ouch. Brutal, and less beautiful this time.

I was crushed that a close friend thought of me in this way.

I subsequently enjoined a painful season of prayerful consideration: Why had I chosen this path?

Three things happened as I prayed through this: 1) I found that Jesus was with me, teaching me, even in the middle of something so painful. 2) With God’s help, I took a look at where and when I enjoyed attention. It was a first hard look at the part of me that does in fact like attention, And although I don’t find that to be a primary motivation in my work, it is a complicating factor in many things. 3) I received an expected slew of invitations to preform weddings, preach, and job interviews. I took those to be a merciful and needed wink from Jesus, that he called me into ministry (knowing my flaws) and he wouldn’t revoke my calling, at least not over this.

I also learned that seeking feedback is worth it. Even if that bit of feedback wasn’t fully totally true, it still helped me, not least because I had to lean into my faith in a painful season.

So what follows is born out of both a need to grow in self-awareness, and a few hard-won steps taken on a meaningful journey.

And in our next post we'll consider what exactly we mean by 'self-awareness' and how I find my own faith to be a stellar platform for growing more self-aware.

Loving your city is a key part of being fully alive

Tue, 16 Jan 2024 09:06:22 GMT

This post is a love letter. And I need your help writing it!

This is a love letter to the Bay Area. A love letter to San Mateo. A love letter to the surrounding areas.

It’s also the first post of the Dwell Church of the Peninsula blog!

( You can register here if you want to be notified when a new blog is posted! )

This post is also about a key spiritual principle and how I learned it. You see, it's a crucial spiritual habit to love the place that God has put you.

Its deeply spiritual to know and love the place you live. We are made to do more than merely exist - we are made to live .

An old saying for followers of Jesus goes like this: the glory of God is a person fully alive. And loving where you live is part of being fully alive.

It’s also a post in which I bash Los Angeles a bit, if that gets you reading. But ultimately, I learned to love it.

But above all else, this is a list! I’ve been collecting favorate places in the Bay Area, San Mateo, and the surrounding area for 6-10 years.

So I am going to share my list(s), and I need you to add some of your own on our social media platforms!

Cheap, awesome, stunning places in the broader Bay Area:

Cavallo Point , especially The Farley Bar : A historic hotel at the north end of the Golden Gate Bridge, you can get an affordable burger and sit on the grand lawn on a nice day.
Presidio Tunnel Tops : The play space is stunning and free, but the general Presidio experience is amazing. On some saturdays the archeological digs are open (The Presidio has been a military base of some kind or another for 300 years).
Taco Bell Cantina : Stunning seaside Taco Bell that serves adult beverages. Right on our closest and favorite beach.

Fave spots in or nearby San Mateo (you probably already know them) :

Kaizen Coffee: Walking distance for us, and the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had.
Philz DT San Mateo: The official Dwell Church moble office - spacious and warm.
Devil’s Canyon Brewery: Great beer and clever business model.
Western Top of 26th Street: Beautiful on a clear day; great on a horrible day. Like when I walked to the top in the rain with my loyal dog after the Chiefs lost to the Patriot in the 2018 AFC Championship.

Delicious Eateries:

Any StarBird - Bay Area original !
Gorilla BBQ - The costal bbq scene is legitimate. Although,maybe some prefer Breakwater BBQ instead .
Adamson’s French Dip in Sunnyvale - 2nd best sandwich in the South Bay

Help me learn of more amazing places local to the Bay Area or near you that you just love.

Now here is the story of how I learn to let go and love where I live:

I moved from Kansas City (which I loved) to Los Angeles in 2005. I loved LA for 9 months. It was novel and exciting. And then I parked at a Target and couldn’t open my van door.

I even climbed to the back to the back of my Chevy Astro to try the sliding side door. It was too narrow even for a sliding door. This wasn’t a compact spot. Normal spot. Normal Target. A rage descended upon me; LA was too crowded.

But then, about 9 months later, I was in the hills of Sierra Madre on New Year's Day. It had rained the night before. The smog had cleared and I could see all the way to the ocean. I was in love again.

‘This is amazing,’ I thought to myself. ‘I get it now.’

About that time, three things happened:

I heard about people trying to walk all the way across Los Angeles - from Pasadena to Santa Monica. ( Here’s a later example .)
My wife and I discovered this book about people walking across LA through secret and beautiful stairways. I’d seen some along the 110 and always been curious.
I heard a fantastic talk about the the spiritual habit of loving your locale.

There is a really challenging story in the Hebrew Bible. In Jeremiah, the israelites have been conquered by Babylon, and deported to serve the Babylonians.

And God tells Jeremiah:

“Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5 Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. 6 Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. 7 But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare ….10 “For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.’

They are living in a locale they ostensibly have every reason to hate. They are living as captives. Yet the redeeming God of love instructs them to love the city.

I was meditating on this, learning about people walking (!) across LA, and hiking the secret stairs of LA. I learned to love Los Angeles as a spiritual discipline.

Then, in 2011, I moved to the Bay Area. It was much more intuitive to me to love this locale. Plus, I’d been training in Los Angeles.

So I fell in love with the Bay Area, especially since I’ve lived in San Mateo. Driving north on Alameda de las Pulgas towards my neighborhood from work there is a large majestic hill from which you can get a stunning view of the City. For almost 6 years I joyfully prayed for the region, my kids, my neighborhood, and my neighbors.

And across this journey I have learned the spiritual habit of loving my city.

This is in the guts of Dwell Church of the Peninsula. To love where we live and to seek its welfare.

And to empower the people we come in contact with to be fully alive.

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